Fiction:A Loron History of SporeWiki

The Loron Histories, known natively by as Da Gangstapedia, is a series of articles written by various Loron historians, though several bosses throughout history have forcibly altered it (depending on their ability to read). These articles focus on a history of all things from Loron perspective.

If you wish for a Loron History of any particular subject, please give a request to Technobliterator, the author of the Loron!

The Universe
The Universe in da beginnin, da godz was chillin at a pizza party in godland. dey was da illest gangstas of all da godz at da time, which included da xhoddie boyz, da fake godz called 'taldar', da lite bulb 'verezaph' fingies an da naked bighed wannabe gods who no one remembas becuz deyz ded (peepz say da xhoddies killed dem but we kno dat da loron godz did). one day, while chillin at da pizza party, deir schedule was "driveby an kill som xhoddie boyz", "rob some otha fools" or "make moar pizza". but dey decided dat dey was bored of bein da only hard geezas on da blok. so dey got togetha an made da ooniverse. dey did dis by drawin it wiv deir crayons dat dey stole frum da Crayon God down da blok den animatin it ta life.

da godz saw dat it was ok at first. dey put tons of planets on it an den planted pants evrywher an made da sea an all dat stoof. dey was like "dis is cool man but deres somfin missin". so dey made deir best creashon yet: Da Loronz. dese were designed ta be da illest gangstas on da blok an so da Godz made dem so dey was tuffa dan any otha animal even ten times deir size. dey got kinda hungry coz of workin so hard so da godz put animals fer dem ta kill. howeva, da ooniverse wasnt compleet.

da loronz was cool an all, but not only did dey need someone ta giv birf ta moar, dey needed someone ta cook fer dem an kik around. an someone else who could talk cuz dey was gettin kinda lonely. even boyz need love too yanno. so da godz made Da Chikz. dis was a kinda meh creashon but it did da job. an even still, da godz saw da ooniverse wasnt finished.

finally da godz brainstormed on wat ta do next. den dey had da genius idea. dey knoo dat dey culd make creetures stronga dan any otha dum god who dey culd jus shank but dey realised a fing missin ta make da loronz truly da hardest geezas alive. how do ya make someone look tuff? ya put week peepz in so da tuff geezas look tuffa. so da godz created lotsa stoopid ugly aliens in ottzello but it was ok. becuz da gods made dem week an wimpy an stoopid so dat da loron culd smak dem an eet dem an stoof. dis was ta proov dat da godz was truly da hardest an illest geezas an dat no one culd mess wiv dem. dey proved dis by winnin da agenst da stinky aliens.

ova a dozen yeers ago, in da, we fought da entire ooniverse. we won. we killed dem stoopid xhoddie boyz dat was all "NAH IMMA KILL YOR GODZ OONIVERSE" an da godz was all "NAH COM FITE ME" den dey died. now dis is da fing dese alien an UNO skools dunt teech ya ya see. becuz dey culdnt deel wiv da idea dat da loronz was da hardest so dey made up dis geeza called kroc but we all kno dat hes a myth an da loronz won. anyway da xhoddies left cuz dey was scared of us fer a whil.

an dats da story of how da ooniverse is how it is. dunt be lissenin ta some peepz wiv deir propaganda tellin yoo any different. da godz made da ooniverse fer da loronz ta enjoy an fer dem ta be da illest gangstas on da blok.

Factions
The Loron da best species eva created in da ooniverse, da Loron, was created by da Loron Godz in deir plan ta make da tuffest, hardest, an illest geezas dat no one wuld eva mess wiv. dey succeeded. da word "Loron" ment "Badman", which is whai dey went wiv it. but wen dey made da Loronz dey realised deir mistake. in tryin too hard ta make da Loronz supa bad gangstas, dey neva gave dem a way ta reproduc. dey solved dis problem by makin slaves fer da loron known as da Chikz. da Chikz call demselves Norol which meens "Badgirls" in our language but we kno fer a fact dey ent worthy of dat name so deyz jus Chikz.

see most aliens is like da same size an da same strenf an wateva an deyz stoopid. dey have a history of fitin ova whos in charge an dey hav dis fing called "politics". now i dunno wat dat meens but i fink its som kinda chair. yanno...da one dat dat idiot empra Wormulus sits on. yeh...dat definitely looks like a kinda politic ta me. but da loronz solved dis problem. dey didnt fite ova who had da betta lookin chairs. it was simpl: if ya kill da boss, den yoov proved yoov got wat it takes da be da noo boss. if peepz dunt like yoo, well deyz gonna hav ta train hard so dey can one dey fite yoo an win ennit? so da loronz settld on bosses easily. but dey had ta hav a hierarchy in place wen da loronz got bigga. so da bosses let peepz fite unda dem ta be bosses of smalla fings. dere was a Warboss, a Cookboss, a Rapboss...yanno.

speekin of rap dat was one of da earliest fings da loronz invented. basically it started out wen da loronz ripped a few geezas heds off. it was kinda funni but dey put deir skulls on da floor around a fiya an ripped out som of deir bones. den dey smaked da bones on da skulls an it was da first drum. da chikz was bein al smartasses like "ohhhhh yoo can jus make drums a different way" an dey did but meh dats not important. basically afta dat da loronz wuld all chant ova da sound of da drums an dat was rap. den dey had rap battles wher dey dissed eech otha. whoeva wins gets ta kill da otha one an his hed gets used as a drum an his bones as a drumstik fer da next battle. dis tradishon kinda stopped becuz basically da rappas wuld get so offended by eech ovas sik lyrics deyd jus kill eech otha befor da battles ended so dere was no way ta reelly regulate it. insted dey sed no killin in rap battles only battlin. lata on da loronz wuld build instruments dat dey totally neva stole frum da chikz an we created da best music da oonivers eva knoo.

da otha fing da loronz invented was pizza. now i meen dis one no one reelly knos how da loronz did but da history books giv yoo somfin like "ohhh da chikz got som bred den slapped tomato on it den slapped cheese an da loronz demanded moar" but we kno dats all a lie. da troof is da godz came down one day and placed pizzas in front of dem. den da loronz lerned how ta make moar somehow but no one cares how becuz COOKINS FER CHIKZ. dis is still venerated as da gratest food in da ooniverse as well btw.

so loronz kinda smaked eech otha up till we settled on one Propa Big Boss who led da loronz into space. first da Propa Big Boss was a wimp. den killed him an took ova. he led us into two warz an we won boff: da War of Ages an da First Ottzello Galactic War. but it soon becam very cleer dat Zr'Ahgloth wasnt da leeda he made himself out ta be yanno. dis losa known as da started da. but we didnt car coz we was too busy smakin dese wannabes known as da. cocky lil twits dey is. Zr'Ahgloth had a fite wiv a geeza known as. now if he was a TROO LORON he wuldve won. but he gav up an da Kralon Empra kidnapped him an forced him ta suk his dik den surrenda. bof dese fings is dishonorabru.

dese were da times known as "Da Fall of Da Loronz" but its ok. yanno why? whil - dats wat dey was called btw cuz deyz arrogant an got deir heds up deir fat asses - was fitin, one memba of Zr'Ahgloths gang - known as  - tried ta take ova da boyz. but dey was stoopid status quo stonewallas (still dunno wat dat meens but it makes ya sound smart wen ya say it apparently) who was all "NEVA YOR NOT GONNA TAKE OVA" an Frekloar realised he shudnt waste his time wiv dem fools. him an a geeza called went off in Da Rebellion an founded da best Loron empiya eva:.

dere was sum challenges along da way tho. whil da Propa Big Loron Empiya was PERSECUTIN LORONZ by not allowin dem ta bully da chikz anymoar, an shovin nanomusheenz in dem or somfin becuz dey culdnt get erekshons anymoar an needed injekshons fer dat, da Rogue Boyz was off bein way betta so dey didnt need ta fite dem but deir was somone else. , also known as Da Devil. da Loronz lived in feer of him fer a whil. but dunt worry becuz Frekloar killed him and dat was da end of dat. except no.

stoof happened lata but ill talk about dat in otha stories. da important part of loron history came afta da Loronz moved to da. becuz basically da Loronz had killed da xhoddies an dey ran off but dey wanted revenge. so dey destroyed da ooniverse wivout even fitin da boyz coz deyz wimps. so we had ta move ta Borealis ta escape basically. an kill UNO too. anywayz we did dat but den da troo apocalips came: Da Blak Kroozade. dis was wen da Devil, Gratz'kaoz, revived once agen, led da Zombie Loronz ta try an kill evryon. da holy books say dat was wher da godz wanted us ta die but ya see ya shuld neva mess wiv da loronz cuz deyz always gonna win. an we did. Frekloar killed Gratz'kaoz AGEN. da history books say Zr'Ahgloth helped a lot but deyz lyin becuz Frekloar told me dat he only threw one punch den Frekloar let him take da credit becuz he donated lots to da Pizza Charity Fund so it was only fair.

anyway yeh. wes da best.

UNO da Unlikable Numskulls of Ottzello is a communist empiya of traitas, wannabes, an wimps, as well as som robots dat no one likes eitha. it was founded in da, an unimportant war cuz we wasnt in it, we was on holiday in da becuz of da HXT fingies was too hard...uh...too BORIN ta fite. see otha dan da HXTs dere was da TRAITA DUMBOS WIV ZRAHGLOTH AN DA KRALGIES, den dere was da stinky aliens dat we used ta pik on befor da traita dumbo loron went soft.

uno was formed wen dey realised dat dere was a way dey culd come togetha an solve da galaxys problems: dey got deir leedas togetha in front of a screen an watched porno movies, den mastabated ova dem togetha an formed peece. dey worshiped da computas dat showed dem da footage an injekted nanomusheenz in orda ta giv dem an erekshon becuz dey culdnt do it on deir own, an dats how da masheenz made uno deir slaves. heres da worst part: da loronz unda Zr'Ahgloth all got sukkered into dis. an so deyz all soft. deyz all soft an week weneva dey dunt injekt da nanomusheenz in dem anywayz.

da important rules on which UNO was founded are as follows:
 * 1) males hav ta injekt nanomusheenz into deir bodies ta stimulate an erekshon. females hav to ta stimulate cookin senses. dis is becuz dey is unable to on deir own an became addicted ta technology unlike DA TROO LORONZ.
 * 2) no crimez. dis is becuz da leedas got all butthurt wen da loronz robbed deir pizza so dey banned it.
 * 3) kill all rogue boyz. dis is cuz deyz jelus of our godz an our gangsta bosses.
 * 4) no pizza. dis is becuz deyz communist tyrants dat hate happiness.
 * 5) da most important rule of UNO is, ya hav ta kiss da computas dat run da place an lick dem. dis is becuz uno is seriusly messed up in da hed.

uno is not wivout its good merits. fer one fing, uno got tons of giant robots dat smak otha geezas. if i hav one complaint about da rogue boyz its how da only giant robots IS USED BY CHIKZ. stoopid dat is. da otha good fing about uno is dey got lotsa bling dat dey giv peepz fer free. dey dont hav ta steel it cuz da computas giv it for dem so dey dont complain about anyfin. but dont forget dat deres lotsa bad stoof too. fer a start deir empiya OPPRESSES LORON by not allowin dem ta bully da chikz. chikz of all races mind yoo. now i ent sexist, cos bein sexist is wrong, an bein wrong is fer chikz. but i fink we all kno dat chikz shuld be in da KICHEN an dey shuld be CLEENIN STOOF. otha dan loron, dey also oppress criminals by havin stoopid cops dat lock peepz up fer robbin stoof. now i dunt even need ta explain why evryon shuld be allowed ta rob an steel an kill. if some geeza disrespects yoo, den yoo shuld be able ta smak him up an kill him den rob all his stoof insted of him complainin about "MUH RITES MUH FREEDOMS MUH FEELINS" to da "authorities" becuz honestly if yoo ask me dis is too much political correctness man.

uno has mooved galaxy twice. da first time was afta da Annihilashon wen da xhoddies blew up deir galaxy. dat was funni honestly. da second time was wen da kiked dem out cuz dey was roudy an had a war wiv da zazzies. dey mooved to da becuz no one else wanted dem, an ta be honest no one wanted dem in borealis even den, so da rogue boyz followed dem ta smak dem up an teech dem a lesson den make dem eitha leeve dis galaxy as well or jus die.

in da borealis galaxy, dey got into dis war which ill explain in anotha story. but basically as usual da Loronz won but dey got away. which is stoopid. dey joined a gang inlcudin da Stoopid Poshie Zoles Imperium dat attempts ta fite crime. dis is all part of deir nefarious plan ta take ova borealis an make it soft like dey made ottzello soft wen dey got in powa, an take away all da good pizza stores ta replace dem wiv book stores. howeva, dont worry, becuz one day, Da Rogue Boyz will kill evryon in UNO. deyz all traita dumbos dat dunt deserv ta liv fer wat deyv done.

Draconid Imperium da Draconid Imperium was an old empiya of geekz in da Milky Way Galaxy. dey is now known as da Indocs Who Collect an da stoopid lil snobbish geekz hav mooved to borealis even despite no one wantin dem dere. oh wait a sec. wrong empiya. i always get Draconis and Dracogonarius mixed up ya see. stoopid aliens wiv deir names...

da Snobbish Lil Twits of da Drak'onis, also known as da, is an ancient empiya of losas in da , a randum galaxy dat no one cares about becuz deres hardly any loronz in it. i herd da Zazzie Boyz live in Andromeda as well, which goes ta show how stoopid it is. speekin of which da Draconid Imperium is allied wiv da Zazzies. dat rite dere shuld tell yoo all ya need ta kno about how bad dey is but becuz im a nice bloke im gonna tell yoo evryfin anyway.

da Imperium was started ova a dozen dozen DOZEN yeers ago (yes dey relly is dat old) on som planet by som geeza who decided he dikwavin so much he wanted a whole empiya based on dikwavin. dis is why da empiya is full of posh lil twits wiv expensiv bling dats all HURHUR LOOK IM MOAR CULTURED DAN YOO. da empiya began takin ova planets fer da sole purpose of boostin deir self esteem, cuz in troof da draconis ar actually preshus little flowas whos feelins ar hurt easy so dey make demselves look "sophisticated" ta feel betta on da outside. dis is why dey took ova planets an stuk to deir empiya fer so long ya see. becuz dey wanted ta win da "oldest empiya dats still standin" contest several yeers in da future, which is da present.

da draconid imperium is also known fer bein annoyin lil snobs who keep shovin da warz deyv won in peepz faces. an example is da. now no one cared about dis war becuz a betta war was goin on in Borealis DAT WE WAS IN. an no one cares about wars wivout da loronz. now da draconid go on all da time about "hur we won dis war an got all da artifacts" but wes all shut up man. da worst part is dey wasnt even in da war of ages. or if dey was i neva saw dem. i wuldt kno cuz i was too busy KILLIN XHODDIE BOYZ ta notice tho.

speekin of da andromeda war dis goes bak to a point i made earlia. da draconid imperium allied wiv da stoopid zazzies but also wiv Da Duminarium Heretikz. lata on dey allied wiv da Xonexi Moronz, an empiya set up ta fite da DCP. now if ya ask me i dunno who ta root for heer i kinda hope dey bof kill eech otha honestly. but dese wars is kinda laffable becuz its a buncha dikwavin ova who has da bigga gunz so i meen if da draconid imperium wins i wuldnt be surprised. dis is why loronz dunt get involved in stoopid alien wars. deyz so pathetic.

da draconid imperium is widely renowned by stinky aliens fer its culture. dis is undastandable, becuz aliens are also well known ta hav a stoopid taste. fer a start, da draconid imperium has very dum "classical" music, which no one likes, becuz deir empiya is full of old grandpas dats stuk in da past an refuse ta invent rap music. anotha example is how dey stare at paintins. dis is becuz, like most stinky aliens, deir empiya bans crime, so da draconis live borin lives wher dey stare at paintins on da wall an consida dem "valuable" wen honestly deyz jus scribbles ta me.

but dey wuldnt be stinky aliens if dey didnt worship a false god. dey worship a geeza called Drakon, becuz deyz stoopid an cant spell da word dragon. dis is a firebreethin flyin repitle dat burns down houses. i meen its kinda a cool concept but its nuffin compared to da loron godz.

i meen overall da draconid imperium is jus anotha example of why da loronz dunt interact wiv stinky aliens. buncha snobs, dey hate fun an most of all deyz snobs. dunt botha even talkin to dem.

Events
Second Borealis Galactic War da was started bak in 2780-somfin, by da leeda of da, afta he got mad at da loronz fer callin him fat. enraged by dis, da xi'arazulha invaded da hedin strait fer da Ottzello Secta, but den dey got ambushed by da Loronz an den died. so evryon went bak to deir daily lives finkin "well dat was da shortest war eva" but den it wasnt ova yet.

see now da UNO, a communist empiya of wannabes an drones, decided ta kiss da loronz ass one day an decided deyd copy da TROO Loronz. dey called da Vague fat. now see da vagues feelins was reelly hurt, which is why dey was all cryin evrytim ya try an fite dem. now da loronz fer da most part sat bak an laffed at dis point becuz da Vague was goin an killin UNOz whil da rest of da galaxy was all "well i dunt trust da UNOz becuz dey keep bringin war an dis neva happened befor dey showed up an ruined stuff". so we went around robbin ova geezas an killin da stoopid borealis empiyas. see dese guyz werent made by da Loron Godz, insted dey was made by som aliens dat no one knoo called da Cold Boyz who made dese Cold Relayz ta move around places but relly dey was places fer da loronz ta do drivebys an kill fools.

anywayz UNO started beetin da Vague, so dey started gettin cocky. dey called fat as well. now da galaxy wuldnt stand fer dis so King Rebaris left cryin whil da rest of da galaxy sealed UNO in som bubble fing. now i meen i hate UNO as much as da nex guy but ya cant be doin dat man. da boyz need ta kill dem first. da loronz was lost aimlessly outside da bubble wiv no one ta kill until dis propa sik gangsta named showed up. now i admit he kinda kissed da loronz ass a lot ta get dem ta work wiv him but dey made da Thugz Fer Dosh who wuld kill peepz fer da highest bidda, only waitin fer UNO ta say sorry so dey culd be let out da bubble. now fing is da UNO wasnt da loronz only enemy anymoar. da Stoopid Poshie Zoles Imperium was da nex fing in our way an Zaarkhun had a plan ta kill dem all wiv his boyfrend an a geeza called, whos ass he also kissed quit a lot but he alredy had a boyfrend so it didnt work out.

afta dat, dey was about ta kill da galaxy den UNO apologized so dey got let out. now Zaarkhun kinda lost but it was his fault so meh. den dis geeza called Zargoth showed up an was all "i kno sumfin wat yoo lot dont kno, so ya betta lissen good". dis didnt apply to da loronz so no one cared honestly. but da fing was Zargoth was workin wiv da best Loron god, Zr'An'Kar, who worked wiv him afta Zargoth kissed his ass a lot. wow deres a lotta ass kissin in dis story wat da hell. umm wher was i...oh yeh. Zr'An'Kar got kinda scary but we didnt mind becuz he only yells becuz he loves us. den da Loronz ran off.

now see da history books tell yoo dat da Loronz lost ta UNO but deyz lyin. da troof is da Fre'kloar beet up da UNO an da otha borealis geezas den dey became his slaves but dey ran away at da end of da war. da borealis geezas did som otha stoof but no one reelly cares about dat becuz da loronz wasnt in it so lets get to da good part. otha dan Zatgoth, dere was anotha god geeza called. long ago, way befor dis war, da Loron Godz called him fat, so he killed half da galaxy an made da his slaves. da Godz laffed of cors becuz he culd neva kill dem but it didnt matta. basically he confied himself to a spaceship. now da borealis doods got so scared i swer yoo shuldve seen da look on deir faces. dey formed a gang called da PCA, or da Politically Correct Asskissas, which dey named afta how deyz all "STOOPID RACIST LORONZ" an "STOOPID SEXISTS GIVIN YA CHIKZ NO RITES" an wateva an whil doin dis dey had ta kiss da loronz ass so we wuldnt kill dem befor Regnatus did. told ya man lotsa ass kissin in dis story.

now ya see, normally its considered Loronly ta leed da charg into battl feerlessly. but dis time Fre'kloar an Zaarkhun decided we shuld use da PCA losas as a meetsheeld fer da boyz whil WE actually killed Regnatus. we did by da way. den som geeza called da Old Useless Mekka decided ta show up an take all da credit while som otha geeza called challenged da boyz to a fite. he lost. but dese alien skools dunt teech ya dat.

ta be honest wiv yoo man wat happened in da war afta dat is kinda a blur. deres no reel consensus among da Loronz on wat happened. but heers da worst part: da PCA KILLED ZAARKHUN. an dey killed Volim but no one cares about dat. den da PCA ran away frum da loron an dey went an killed Zargoth for us. i meen its cool dat dey killed Zargoth an all but dey left us. an dats whai da Loron is foreva at war wiv da whol of Borealis. wes still mad dat we didnt get ta finish da war but one day we will. of cors a noo era known as da came about which dey named afta da fact dat nuffin happens in it so it may as well be as fun as watchin wata turn into an ice cube.