SporeWiki:Fiction Universe/Universal Discussion Board

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Universal Discussion Board
 This is a universal discussion board, from which all empires can give any announcements to every other empire. This board is not under the control of any organised entity unlike the Seven Starr Alliance, Universal Alliance of Nations, or Intergalactic Federation, so that all empires can send and recieve messages here.

The universal discussion board is available on common hyperluminal frequency #97, subspace frequency #201, and common holonet frequency #1138. The primary communications nexus for the board is in the Sol system in the Plazith Rim; other relays exist in the Cyrannus, Forma, Ghelaxin, Wental, and Girdo Galaxies. ~ Admiral of the Girdo Empire 

An Improper Introduction
"Empires of the First Gigaquadrant! Have you forgotten us? We've hoped not-for your own sake. I certainly hope you've not forgotten me. I am Kendron, soon to be the First King of Illum, and I call on you to deliver news as varied as the world is faded. The Queen is dead. The Federation is no more. We have vanished.                      But we are not gone. We are stronger than ever! For Kkia'Sihm has returned, and his Host is now our leader. The Federation's Princess is the Imperium's Empress, and our dominions shall soon cover a universe. The Federation is gone-and we have returned. I have called on you so that you may expect the time of our return, one that we promise will be different. The little games are over. Some of you, who were always the intrigued, have discovered we are absent-you have, even, taken over some of our old holdings! We have seen that our previous mindset was too narrow, our will too weak. And so we have decided to build our Empire elsewhere, away from the domains of the 'Shikua. Our previous nation was too limited attending wholeheartedly to the problems of your society. So our land goes to you. Take it as a tribute, or a gift. Take it as insurance: insurance that, in exchange, we will not be held back, not by anyone or anything. You can have our stars-we only want your cooperation. Of course, this shall be set in stone, so, if you want some of the treasure, feel free to give your word, and sign to the Treaty of our Great Cession. We shall be waiting. Hidden, perhaps, but watching. Waiting. The time will come soon when we shall come back in full."

- Vy'rii, Servant of Illum, First King of Ravenkind

"We thank you for your tribute, old allies, and we wish you to know that we have ratified the Treaty. And if Ravosk is around, would you please tell him that I say hello?"

- Chief Ambassador Carillion of the GIE

''Hi! But, erm, just one thing. Now, forgive me if there's a really obvious answer to this, but... how do you expect to escape the Ayrai'Shikua just by moving a gigaparsec or so away from where you lived before? ~ Emperor Mazipnos''

"Well, hello old ones. We have ratified your treaty, even though we aren't technically a part of the first gigaquadrant, and we hope to have a beneficial relationship with you. I hope you achieve all your positive and nondestructive goals! We will look forward to working with you in the future."

- Metamind

Formation of the Temple of Spode
Greetings, all.

After several weeks of discussions with the survivors of the destruction of the Dei'Ar Theocracy, we can announce that the Temple of Spode has now been founded. This new religious institution will stand as a united, apolitical, and peaceful institution, dedicated to the worship of Spode and the unity of Spode worshippers across the universe. Hopefully, due to their neutral stance, they will no longer be the target of any empire's anger, and this new organisation will be one of peace and not one of mindless war as were the Zealot empires of old.

The Temple now has a temporary control centre in the Girdo Galaxy, but they should soon set up individual temples elsewhere in the universe (with the permission of the civilisations on whose territories the temples will be built, of course), and eventually the primary temple will be somewhere of importance to the worship of Spode.

~ The Emperor of the Empire of the Girdo Galaxy

Something...Happened
"We do not quite know what is happening in the Milky Way right now, but we think we have approached someting called a Singularity. I am communicating through this archaic form of superliminal communication, not used by the DCP in 200 years. We think an intelligence has emerged from our technology and infrastructure, and we can't shut it down, it resists us.  We think some close civilizations have been swept away the rest of "The Civilization" has plunged into almost a dark age.  Some worlds are now glowing white hot from extreme computation, the technology such as dyson bubbles seem to be resonating in synchronicity, causing climate chaos in the colonized systems, the even the stellar engines themselves are being pushed to a threshold.  This has dug itself deep into us, and it is out of our control, but unlike lets say the Nanohorde we do not know if this is going to complicate further, it could push us out the galaxy. It seems to show lack of interest on our behalf, we are either in its way or are simply a resource, its tossing our battlefleet like toys. We hope we might be able to have some reasoning, but it seems its spreading faster than light, it is pinnacle we make the right choices soon."

- Representitive of the Milky Way Cooperative

"It has been confirmed, a Singularity has arrived, the biggest one of the modern era, although some singularities have occured already, for cyBORG races like the Grox, and the escape of the Nanohorde."

- DCP

Message from the FRA
"Excuse me, but for all of you who are getting Asgordian Tourists, please don't hurt them while they're petting you. In Asgordian Culture a pet is something symbolic, arriving since the Tribal age. It means "May happiness be always with you". It's basically a way for asgordians to say you're wonderful, you're special, you're a friend to them. It's a generous act Asgordians do to people they like. So let them pet you, they'll eventually stop after 10-30 minutes. You can pet them back too. That will make the Asgord happy. So, be kind to our tourists. They're tired of being hurt all the time, especially the ones that visit those cute Grimbies."

- PM Kala'talia from the FRA

"But in our culture, we do not like being petted like animals for half and hour, and we have a right to defend ourselves. Do not force your culture on others, it is in fact an aggressive act. If you continue to, we will have to enforce our "symbolic ways"."

- DCP

"Animals? I don't get it at all... Why would you defend yourself to such a symbolic act? And we never force our culture, we don't make you listen to our music. And we would love to see your symbolic acts! Come here and show them to us! I'm sure we'll love it!"

- PM Kala'talia

"We find petting both an annoyance and an embarrissment and it is quite intimidating, because you do not respect what we want, you only care about petting. If petting is part of your culture, then keep it in yours."

- DCP

"How is it embarrasing and intimidating? That is so silly! And of course we know what you want, you want to maintain peace around the Universe! In fact, we can help you! Together, we can ally the Xhodocto, the Civatron, the Corruptus, anyone! We can do it together!"

- PM Kala'talia

"Annoying pests! No one likes you! NO ONE!"

- Captain Karnak of the Marinoxidiz

Excuse me, but for all you who are getting Tokzhalan tourists, please don't hurt them while they're repeatedly stabbing you in the face''. In Tokzhalan culture, homicide is something symbolic. It means "may happiness be always with you". It's basically a way for Tokzhalans to say you're wonderful, you're special, you're a friend to them. It's a generous act Tokzhalans do to people they like. So let them stab you; they'll eventually stop after 10-30 seconds when you bleed to death. You can stab them back, too. That will make the Tokzhalan happy, and they'll stab you even more in return. So, be kind to our tourists. They're tired of being hurt all the time, especially the ones that visit those cute Xhoddies. Poor, poor, tourists.''

''Not. But seriously, petting someone for thirty minutes can cause serious bruising and even long-term brain damage when they don't have a reinforced skull, and it can be a major disruption to their day, especially when they're operating heavy machinery. ~ Emperor Mazipnos''

"Well you haven't yet. In fact, heres is a shocker, we are terminating our alliance. You are no longer safe from us."

- DCP

"Why not? We are the bringers of peace! Also, we think you are so cute! Can we ally you? And what? That never happens to us, Mazzie! And stabbing is awful! And why would you finish our alliance? We are bringers of peace!"

- PM Kala'Talia

"You are the bringers of annoyance, that's what! When we are done with the Dracs, you are next!"

- Captain Karnak

"Why is everyone doing this to us??? *Cries*"

- PM Kala'Talia

"OI SHUT DA HELL UP STOOPID FRA DUMBOS GET A LIFE YA LOSAS GO TA HELL STOP PETTIN PEEPLE YANNA WAT LORON CULTYA IS LIKE OUR TRADITION IS TA ROB YAS TA SAY DAT YOR DUM AN WE WANT YA CASH AN TA SWEAR AT YAS COS **** MEANS I LOVE YOO ENNIT NOW GO TA HELL GET LOST BEFOR I EAT EVEN MOR OF YAS"

- (Real) Propa big Boss Zr'Ahgloth

"But you are so cute! Can we ally you?"

- PM Kala'Talia

"SHUT UP YA LOSA"

- Zr'Ahgloth

"YA WAT DA COPYCAT DUMBO SAID"

- (Fake) Propa big Boss Zr'Angloth

"OH LOOK WHOS TALKIN. YA SUCH AN IDIOT MAN YOO FINK DAT IM COPYING YOO YOO COPIED EVRYFING I DO AN KEEP COPYIN ME YEH YOR ALBUMS YOO USED LIKE ALL DA LYRICS DAT IVE EVA USED SO SHUT DA HELL Up. AN YOO LOOKA ALL WEIRD AN UGLY I LOOK GOOD YA DUMBO NOW GO TA HELL GET LOST STOP CHATTIN RUBBISH. BUT TRUE ENNIT LEZIAS A DUMBO."

- (Real) Zr'Ahgloth

"WAT DA HELL SHUT YER TRAP YA LOSA YA CANT EVEN RAP YA NEED TA STOP COYIN ME OR IMMA SHANK YA BUTT TA HELL LETS HAVE A GO. AN YA LEZIAS A LOSA"

- (Fake) Zr'Ahgloth

"OH MY DAYS YOR SUCH A WANNABE. JUST COS YOO WANNA BE AS AWESOME DONT MEAN STEAL ALL MY RHYMES AN MY FLOW AN EVRYFIN YA BEST SHUT UP OR I WILL SHANK YA DADS BUTT DEN ROB YA MOM. BUT YA LEZIAS DUM."

- Zr'Ahgloth

"I am not Ms. Ipevreia, she's taking care of Kezoreg."

- PM Kala'Talia

"SHUT DA HELL UP I DONT CAR I GOT MIXED UP SO SHUT UP YA DUMBO."

- Both Zr'Ahgloths in unison

"I WAS GONNA SAY DAT!!!!!!!"

- Both in unison

"YA WANNABE WHO CANT RAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

- Dark Zr'Ahgloth

"YA COPYCATTIN LOSA!!!!!!!!!!!"

- Zr'Ahgloth

"IM SO SICK IF DIS COPYCAT DUMBO WHO YE THINK YA ARE UR NOTING TA ME I COULD KILL U WITH MAH HANDS TIED ROUND MY BACK DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!!!!!"

- Dark Zr'Ahgloth

"Both of you, hold your tongues....before I rip it from your mouths...."

- Izhjuul Dhazhrak

"You! Beware the wrath of the United Lanat Empire! Now without the protection of the DCP we shall soon give your kind its retribution for all the crimes against the universe it has commented and against Tralorkind! No longer will you be able to hand rape us! Well shall burn every last one of you until you are nothing but ash and then we shall burn the ash until it turns to ash again! Enjoy your last moments of peace because before too long the ULE will turn your lives into nothing but suffering and pain!"

- ULE

"Hand rape you? Ha ha."

- Voice from the Dark end of the Room

"In our culture their petting is a sexual violation! They want other to respect their culture yet they refuse to respect the cultures of others!"

- ULE

''Mm-hmm. And, sadly, Mazipnos is right.''

*a picture appears, showing a small alien creature with severe head injuries*

''This picture is of an invertebrate on Luna Caerulea in the Aquaregia sector of our galaxy. It is the result of an Asgordian tourist who visited our nature reserve, and decided to pet the creature for the good part of fifteen minutes before park officials had to escort him away. As soon as he was allowed to go, he ran off to pet another creature. Fortunately, his next target was much larger and had significantly tougher skin, and managed to survive the entire half-hour ordeal without even noticing. This was not an isolated incident. It seems that many Asgord are too concerned with their petting to notice its harmful effects. ~ Commodore Hlraka of the Girdo Empire''

"We didn't do that! Or petting is soft and harmless! And how is it sexual violation? Didn't you read the beggining of our message?"

- PM Kala'talia

''Do you want to see the security footage of the incident? How about some taken in the Teledros Forests of Imperial Capitol? It's the result of Asgord petting, all right. It may be "soft and harmless" for a few seconds, but after several minutes it's another matter. Water continually dripping wears hard rocks hollow, after all. ~ Commodore Hlraka''

"Your future is horribly grim, Asgord. There are very few ways in which you future could have good consequences. Or else we could prevent you from existing. Your past is the cause of this, and is the cause of so many species despising you."

- Taldar

"Yes, we want to see the footage. And how is our future grim? We will just gain more and more allies!"

- PM Kala'Talia

"I'm sorry to tell you that we are forbidden to show you anything from the Gyronicstream, it'd be too complex for your minds, as well as the fact that's not what happens at all. Even your allies find you irritating. We can't tell you your futures, as there are so many. The good ones? They are all due to total change in your species' traditions (which are improbable) and your deaths & dystopian state not being so bad as the alternates."

- Taldar

"Unfortunately, change in the species' tradition would completely alter the future. For all you know, if the Asgord race remained a violent species, then species such as the Kraw or Tahar might not exist. You would have to completely alter time as it is in the current day as well as 500 years in the past in order for a slight similarity to now. Mind you, i'd rather keep the FRA as they are. It isn't our problem that they're idiotic beyond belief, even the FKA are fairly stupid for a race which 'sees the light'. And we think most mortal races aren't that smart to begin with."

- Vi'Navitum

We're not arguing that the Asgord should stop being peaceful, just that they should stop petting so much.

*A video begins to play, showing an Asgord petting the small invertebrate shown in the previous photograph.*

''Here you go. Now, let's fast-forward this a few minutes...''

*The clip speeds up, and when it resumes at its original speed, the Asgord is sitting down and petting the creature, which in turn begins to purr.*

''Purring amongst these creatures is a sign of pain. To be fair, the Asgord probably wasn't aware of this.''

*The camera zooms in to the creature, whose skin has began to swell and change colour.*

''As you can see, the petting has started to cause blistering. This is a gradual process, so the Asgord may not have noticed it.''

*The clip speeds up again, and resumes when two officials arrive and escort the Asgord away. The Asgord shouts in protest and drops the creature, which can then be seen to have the injuries seen in the original photo.*

''There we go. The Asgord just sat there, petting it for a further ten minutes, oblivious to the formation of its wounds. Yes, you could argue that the Asgord would have had legitimate reasons not to notice what was happening, but that doesn't change the fact that petting for extended periods of time is harmful. ~ Commodore Hlraka''

"Maybe she had rough hands, but our palms are mainly soft. Mine are. And thank you, Navies, can we ally you?"

- PM Kala'Talia

''Then you have a lot of rough-handed people in your nation, or maybe we're getting an incredibly disproportionate number of them. We're making all of the videos of Asgord cruelty to animals publically available now. In fact, we're also preventing all tourist traffic from the FRA to Girdo, active immediately. Hopefully this measure will only be temporary. ~ Commodore Hlraka''

"What? We're not being cruel to anyone! Why is everyone being mean to us??? *Starts to cry*"

- PM Kala'talia

''You've seen the footage. And unintentional cruelty is cruelty regardless. ~ Commodore Hlraka''

"I say we stop this madness! I do not want my child being brought up in a world without violence and being forced to be pet every minute of the day! Now, I may live in the FRA, and I've seen foreigners kill themselves over the fact that they are FORCED to be pet! Forcing your culture upon others, or breaking the laws of another's culture, is an aggressive act. If somebody says "I do not want to be pet", then you listening to him or her!"

- Tyraz Breek

"*Pets Tyraz* You are just so cute!"

- Diplomat Lezia

"We think the Asgord are a security threat, and they are fanatical.. When our representiive meant "no longer safe from us", he meant if we wanted to destroy them we will. We could eradicate their poxy empire in moments."

- DCP

"If you think they're mean....then you should stop walking in your paths...for the end of it is no happy ending..."

- Vi'Navitum

"AIH! Don't touch me! It's creepy! Oh, that actually feels kinda good..."

- Metamind

"If you pet me I will destroy you absolutely. Petting a Zardalu is a very dangerous thing. It could end up with you dead and give me a rash. I don't like rashes."

- Oberjarl of the Zardalu

"Interesting culture. Just try to keep it to yourself, okay? Petting us reminds us of certain... sorrows from our past. Don't do it or there could be trouble, especially if you pet a Green Priest. They're particularly touchy about being touched by other species, and that could be considered sexual assault, which would defiantly start a war. Again."

- Nobi Senator

The "Can I pet you?" show
"And now, a popular new show from the Friendly Republic of the Asgord, it's the Can I pet you Show! Starring Lezia!"

Lezia - "You are all so cute!"

''*The Crowd cheers, a Tahar comes to be pet by Lezia, he takes the petting nicely, then 2 Kraw appear and get pet by Lezia, and they like it, though one gets a bit bored. Then, a video shows how petting is truly symbolic in Asgordian Culture, and to end the show, Lezia pets an Iteok, though he gets a bit annoyed by her petting. The show ends with Lezia saying "Have a nice day!"*''

"I broadcasted this to all our allies, and now I broadcast this to this discussion board. Now you can see that petting does not harm anyone at all! Bye!"

- Diplomat Lezia

''Wow. You petted them for, like, two minutes each. Yeah, that completely disproves all of the evidence to the contrary.''

''That was sarcasm, by the way. ~ Emperor Mazipnos''

"You see? Our petting shows how much we love all of you. Want to buy our show?"

- Diplomat Lezia

''Yeah. We'll use it as an educational tool for our children, to help them learn how to defend themselves against alien propaganda. ~ Emperor Mazipnos''

"Thanks! Now, can we ally you? <>"

- Diplomat Lezia

No. Just... no. ~ Emperor Mazipnos

"Why not? You could be the next person in our show!"

- Lezia

''How long would you pet me for? ~ Emperor Mazipnos''

"About 5 minutes."

- Lezia

''That's acceptable. I'd probably survive that. But my answer's still "no". ~ Emperor Mazipnos''

"Whyyyyyyyyyyy?"

- Lezia

''Find some of the more intelligent people in your civilisation and see if they can work it out. ~ Emperor Mazipnos''

"LOL FAIL! I can't believe the FRA isn't dead yet! Lezia, you wither join us as a freak amongst our society, or you will be killed by Angazhar. Your choice, failure. Seriously, this is the FAILED Republic of the Asgord."

- Emperor Ko'han of the FKA

"Don't be harsh on our republic. Sure they're annoying, but all they want is peace. They're just doing it the wrong way."

- Diplomat Gol'Taus of the FRA

''So if you have the right idea, Gol'Taus, can't you convince the rest of the FRA of it? Or, at least, a significant proportion of its Diplomats? We're not trying to tell you not to pet, just... don't do so much of it, or for so long... or to any citizens of the ULE. ~ Emperor Mazipnos''

"I keep trying to tell them, but they forget about what I said in a matter of hours! It's impossible! I wish there was another way to teach them..."

- Gol'Taus

''Studying your species' history, we can see no events that would have allowed for a genetic cause of that form of amnesia to have developed and spread throughout the population. However, I still have some ideas, based on psychic theory. Have you tried telling all of the FRA at once, instead of just a few individuals? Perhaps another issue may be caused by the wording, if you're telling them to 'not pet so much' instead of 'pet less'. Failing that, the next best option I can think of is xenocide. ~ Emperor Mazipnos''

"*Ayrai'Palm*"

- Khazurhal Angazhar

"We are no longer allies, and you are are banned from petting us. Touch one more of our representitives and it will be treated as a declaration of war."

- DCP

"*Pets the DCP Hologram* You are so cute!"

- Lezia

"I am just a Diplomat, only Helenia can pass a law like that, but she would never do this, she thinks Lezia is getting allies."

- Gol'Taus

"I wonder if we'll be able to dissect Lezia's brain once Angazhar reduces her to a charred corpse..."

- Shka'Tun Scientist

''No laws need to be passed by you, Gol'Taus. You just need to try to convince Helenia to change her mind by the methods I told you to use. It might take a while to prepare - I don't know how easy it is to broadcast a message to everybody in your Republic at once - so I won't be expecting any results any time soon. FRA Asgord aren't allowed in Girdo and don't know where my colonies are, so I'm not worried about it taking a long time. ~ Emperor Mazipnos''

"Wow... that's gotta be the single weirdest thing I have ever seen. Personally, I have nothing against petting, but you should really ask the individual if they wish to be pet. My brother hates it, but I don't mind it. And we're twins."

- Diplomat Hurin of the Wental Alliance

"Interesting. I would now like to note that if you so much as threaten to touch me I will eat you and then find any and all other members of your species and eat them too. That's how my species greets others... it's a polite way of saying "Hi, I like you. In my belly. And digested." but it's custom...

BTW, that was sarcasm, don't touch us."

- Diplomat Fangar of the Nikkin Confederacy

"Oh dear, they just get weirder and weirder... seriously, ask first, pet later. And if you pet I will be angry. Very, very angry. I need to work on that."

- Nobi Diplomat Jam

"Lezia, you're just making yourself look like an idiot. Of course, knowing your extremely incredible ignorance, you'll take that as a compliment. And Lezia, I swear, if ANY of your citizens as so much touch our diplomats, I will make a personal appeal to our government so that I can SHOOT YOUR HEAD OFF WITH A ROCKET LAUNCHER! Good day."

- Chief TIAF Ambassador Davenport to the FRA

"But I thought you liked our petting!"

- Diplomat Lezia

*Suddenly, a recording of the TIAF appears to prove her point*

"To sweeten the deal, many of members do enjoy being petted...which, according to our records, is a national pastime for you."

*In the meanwhile, an Asgordian pets a TIAF diplomat*

"Is this some kind of sick joke?"

- Captain Karnak

Culture Shock!
''*A Vi'Navitum arrives in the 'Can I Pet You?' Show...and stops the show half way. The Vi'Navitum asks if he can pet Lezia; Lezia agrees. Four minutes later, Lezia's back is seriously wounded. He turns Lezia's back to the crowd to reveal the extent of her wounds.*''

"You see? Petting is bad!"

''*An Asgord complains to the Vi'Navitum about doing it wrong; the Vi'Navitum hypnotizes the Asgord to stop complaining and sit down. The Vi'Navitum calls two Asgord to the stage, and asks them to pet each other. They do it, and the Vi'Navitum skips time by five hours. The victim Asgord is seriously wounded and is taken to hospital. The entire crowd is confused; some Asgord go to the FKA. They are in a state of culture shock*''

"As you can see, I have fractured the mind frame of the Asgord culture. They finally know petting is dangerous. Any questions?"

- Vi'Navitum

"HOW DO WE MAKE PEOPLE LIKE US NOW??? PETTING WAS THE ONLY WAY WE COULD DO THAT!!!"

- PM Kala'Talia of the FRA

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

- Emperor Ko'han of the FKA

"Can I have your autograph?"

- ULE General

"WAT DA HELL"

- Zr'Ahgloth

"You totally rock!"

- Captain Karnak

"Of course....the only solution for your kind now is to completely change your culture forever. That...or be cast off the back-side of the universe forever..."

- Vi'Navitum

''Petting was the only way to make people like you? What happened to Happy Rays and flower bombs? ~ Emperor Mazipnos''

"'Happy' rays? Seriously...beams of euphoria? This is strange..."

- Vi'Navitum

''They stimulate the release of chemicals relating to positive emotions inside mortals' brains. They work on nearly all sentient biological organisms. ~ Emperor Mazipnos''